I have been a round person my whole life. Well, I was a skinny little blond thing when I was  just a little girl, but since my pre-teen years I’ve been over the allotted ‘normal’ weight that someone decided we are all supposed to be. If you wonder why we fat folks might be traumatized and you think it’s a load of crap, try being the ONLY fat kid and having your weight yelled over a hallway full of kids standing in line in grade school for the annual health tests, or whatever the hell it was. But the emotional aspects of not being acceptably thin isn’t what this writing frenzy is about. I’m 41, half way through my life and if one thing is getting a bit boring it’s living the truth of a lifetime of not taking care of my body.

Translation = I’ve always been fat. I have no problem with that, not anymore. It used to rule my world completely. The fatter I got the more I ate, the fatter I got, etc. I have tried lots and lots of methods to lose weight. I won’t lie and say I’ve tried it all, because I’m not that ambitious or motivated. What I have tried has failed, over and over and over. I”m older now. I’m happy with my curves, bumps, lumps, and bulges On the flipside of that I am older now and a body has a way of rebelling against any wrongs you have done to it.

I used to drink a whole lot in my twenties, a lot. I have never been worried about sugar, fat, meat, cholesterol, caffeine, you name it. I have eaten a whole box of Twinkies at a setting, yes a WHOLE box. I have drank an average of 2 liters of Pepsi a day, whole pizzas, multiple burgers, mounds of fried potatoes, pansful of mac and cheese…the list is endless.

Now, on top of all that I despise, with all my heart and soul, to exercise. I hate structure, order, rules, “this is how you do it correctly” bullshit. I don’t like strolling down the side of the street o the sidewalk. I don’t like being on the treadmill mindlessly flopping step after step after step. I hate hate hate having to do something the same every friggin’ day. I don’t like sweating. I don’t like being out of breath. I don’t like people laughing at me. I don’t like the smell of other people sweating. I don’t like feeling like THE fattest person in the room who everyone else is thinking, “Well, at least I’m not THAT fat.”

I think you get the picture. I have eaten too much and not moved enough. That’s it. That’s the formula for getting fat, Eat Too Much + Sitting On Your Ass Too Much = Fat.

That’s my problem, so the solution would be simple enough, eat less, move more and voila the fat should drop off. Right? Theoretcially yes. If you apply science and logic to a problem you find a simple solution. If you apply personality, habits, desires, needs, emotions, and other non-logical non-scientific  elements, well, the forumla gets complicated.

Here is where I have discovered the inspiration for the title of this article, everyone seems wrong about what it takes to lose weight. Let me run through a few to tell you why they are wrong.

1.) The theory: Counting every calorie you eat and burn will lead you down the path of results and happiness.

Why it won’t work: It’s balderdash, that’s why!! I despise with every fiber of my being the idea, the mere hint that I need to do more stinking paperwork in life. I don’t want to count obsessively. I don’t want to measure, monitor, and sacrifice based on a chart of “averages” and “norms”. Therefore, it will not work and does not work for a whole lot of us. Tell me I have to do accounting to keep track of every gram of fat and sugar, you will find a big thick brick wall, but keep talking if it makes you feel better.

1.) The theory: If you eat or drink some kind of supliment that ‘fills’ your belly you won’t eat as much.

Why it won’t work: My belly has been full many many times and my mouth just kept on wanting food. It’s about the flavors, textures, the pleasure of the act of eating, not the fact that it’s going to fill up my stomach to feed my body. I have eaten so much at times, as most of us have, that I felt sick. The difference between me and say a skinny person who stops at that point, is that I would keep going and going and going until the good food is gone, or I feel satisfied in my mind, mouth, and soul, not my belly.

2.) The Theory: Low calorie, low fat, sugar-free, low carb, etc. guarantees that you will lose weight.

Why it won’t work – the taste factor: Come on…you all know why it doesn’t work!! Fat and sugar tastes fucking great!! Take it away and you are left with a shadow of delicious. That’s not saying you can’t have amazing wonderful food that’s healthier, it’s just that pretending I will be devoted to all low calorie food for the sake of losing weight is pure dellusion.

Why it won’t work – the satisfaction factor: Food isn’t about nutrition for some of us, and it never weill be. Let me use the Twinkie example. (Surprisingly I haven’t had a Twinkie for years!! hmmm mental note) OK, so my desire to eat a Twinkie has nothing to do with it’s nutritional value. My desire to eat has nothing to do with being hungry. My desire, want, urge for food isn’t primal or survival based. I’m about a billion years past that natural instinct.

When I choose to eat all low fat, low sugar, low everything foods for a period of time something goes haywire in my mind, mouth, and body. Let’s be honest here, ”diet” foods are never really as satisfying as the full fat, full sugar, full everything versions. I’m not saying some aren’t amazing, but replacing everything in one feld swoop doesn’t work. I get bored. The urges continue. The DESIRE for flavor, satisfaction, joy, pleasure from eating the high calorie stuff takes over and I go back to my pre-dieting habits.

If it were a world in which you could convince me that eating a rice cake would satisfy me as much as a bag of Cheetos does, well, that would insure that I will lose weight and keep it off. As it is, I live in a world where that bag of Cheetos is always beconing me…no matter what you say or what you do, or who you are, or how unhealthy those cheesy little delights are for my body, I WANT THEM, not a substitute.

WHAT DOES WORK??!! It seems I have no solution, but that’s not true at all. I have found a medium sized word, unassuming, not too full of itself, never fake or tempting, never misleading, it’s FREE, and it’s not a big fat lie made to make you feel like shit about yourself… that word is…BALANCE!

Here is what has made me feel better, lowered my cholesterol, improved my stamina, made me feel more comfy in the bathtub, fit into my clothes better, made it easier to bend over, climb stairs, feel comfortable for long drives, feel better in a movie theater seat (even though they all suck)..etc.

• Stopped drinking soda ALL SODA
• Drink more water, good quality fruit juice, soy milk, almond milk….
• Stopped eating red meat
• Eat lots lots lots more veggies and fruit and grains and nuts, about a 90% vegetarian selection of foods every day (that cheese is a hard one to give up)
• Exercise a couple times a week, joined a gym for variety, do stretching
• MOVE MORE, even when I’m sitting at my desk, wiggle, stretch, move to any music that’s playing…move more.
• Cut down on sugar by about 80% (no more soda, and less in my daily hot tea)
• Stopped drinking coffee (my weakness was in the sugar and creamer)
• No more fast food
• Cut down on processed foods, pre packaged foods, if I can make it homemade I give it a try.
• hmm there’s probably more, but that’s the general idea

That’s it. I know, it kinda sucks when you think about it. It’s so simple, in theory and so friggin’ hard in real life. Balance the good with the bad, the lazy with the active, the sugar with the, um, boring, the salt with the bland…haha you get the idea. Everything doesn’t always have to be about indulgence and gratification. I’m a fan of indulgence and gratification, but I’m also a fan of feeling good, having more energy, being able to go up a few flights of stairs without feeling like I’ll pass out. I want to FEEL good. You get it? Do you?

I’m not saying I want a skinny little ass. I’m not saying I want to weigh a certain amount. I despise numbers, that’s a why most of any and all diets or plans I have seen in my life do not work. My life isn’t about calculating it’s about enjoying the time I have. That does not include math that directly relates to the size of my thighs.